The Girls Who Got Away by Christine Winston

Author:Christine Winston [Christine Winston]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2024-01-17T00:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER 21

MAC

A ccording to the hospital psychiatrist, my reaction was a trauma response. This attack triggered memories of Mom’s murder and I regressed to a place of safety. It’s something that happened often when I was a child. My fear manifested itself as physical pain. It would wrap like vines around my lungs and heart, squeezing tightly, incapacitating me. I’d curl into a ball until it passed.

“As you got older, you didn’t react the same way. How did you handle fear as an adult, before this recent attack?” she’d asked. The question forced me to look at my life to this point. The hyper-vigilance, the isolation and worse, my treatment of Jones.

Whenever he’s around, I’m terrified. My breathing slows, my heartrate picks up, my palms sweat and my stomach swirls. The first time those feelings crept in was the day I returned from my camping trip at thirteen. The sudden fear of losing him became too big, but instead of curling into a ball, I fought back. I started a battle with my best friend, sabotaged our love because losing him on my terms felt like a win.

The realization brought shame, and years of pain rode to the surface on a low guttural scream. The fear temporarily left my body, followed by a wave of emotion and relief. Talking with the psychiatrist opened my eyes to another form of healing. Yoga has brought me so far on my healing journey, but therapy might be what I need to get over the finish line.

Is there ever a finish line?

When she leaves, Sailor’s weathered face pokes through the doorway.

“Mac. I’m sorry, I should have been there.”

I’m exhausted, but the tears in his eyes have me leaping off the bed.

Sailor doesn’t cry.

“You’ve been there my entire life! Without you taking me in as your own, Sailor, God knows where I’d have ended up.”

We don’t embrace, awkwardly reaching to hold hands instead.

“I’ve never told you this before …” He sucks in another lungful of air, releasing it on a shaky exhale. “When you saved yourself as a child, you saved me too. I wouldn’t have—I came so close—so many times, to …” His confession startles me.

He and Mom were extremely close. We were all he had, until it was just me. He had never married; I don’t even remember there ever being a girlfriend in his life.

“It’s OK.” I try to comfort him.

“No. I was in survival mode, for so many years, just trying to make it through the days. I should have checked in with your …” he sniffles, “feelings. And that.”

“We’re more alike than you know. I guess it’s how we’ve both gotten through.”

“I should have known better …”

“Please, Sailor, don’t do this to yourself. Maybe another man would have patted my knee and tucked me into bed, but you trained me to be ready and two nights ago, that’s what saved me.”

“Do we hug now?” He shifts from one foot to the other.

A flutter of laughter bubbles up in my throat. “We could try.

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